Living Vicariously through our children
Living vicariously through your children is frowned upon. They say we shouldn’t do that. They say we need to stand back and let them be and become without us moving the chess pieces of life for them.
Oh, momma, but when you see your child do something that sparks a memory in you that reaches so deep it’s visceral, something comes over you. No, you don’t want to live it for them, you still want to be living it.
We push a lot of our hopes and aspirations aside when we have kids. There’s a lot to do. We have another human besides ourselves that we need to keep alive. No longer is it just us. And it’s so amazing and hard all in the very same shuddering breath.
I feel you so deeply.
When our child starts showing expressions of themselves that dig into our core there is nothing like it. When we see them “becoming” and you also see yourself in that - it’s like the flash of pink in the sky at sunset, or a moment of laughter that brings tears to your eyes.
I feel that when I watch my daughter dance. I never danced at her level - she is so beautiful and graceful. To be frank with you, it does tug a little bit at my “could I have been that good?” ego. Also, my ego wants her to continue perusing it, and push her further, how far can she go? But I’m not in charge of moving this chess piece in her life.
My daughter started dancing at the age of 5. She’s continued every year. She slipped right into the role of being in charge of her schedule and her costumes along the way. She communicated with her dance instructors. I very rarely stepped in when there was conflict. She took care of it. She had highs and lows and more recently at a competition level, she’s faced some adversity. I get to sit back and watch.
I get to sit back and watch with tears streaming down my cheeks, pride swelling my chest. I GET to watch her. Her dancing calls to my soul and reminds me of a deep love and connection I had with dance.
It’s so important for us to remember that we can’t move the chess pieces for them, we can cheer them on, we can advise, but they must make the move.
What we can let the manifestation of their desires remind us of is a connection we’ve lost. A connection with something that brought us true joy and find a way to reconnect. Do you miss baseball, painting, dancing like me, thinking through complex math, learning? We can’t do these things for them but we can find space to do them for ourselves.
Sit at that game, that spelling bee, that finish line and allow them to be the chess player of their own life. BUT love every single minute of watching them. Allow some adversity, allow the struggle, even allow a change of heart.
Some kids need to be pushed to realize their own potential. They seem to lack that inner drive. But as parents, we have to find a way to push without doing the work for them.
I’ve got a few points on this blog that I want to bring forward for you:
1 - Don’t live through your child, they need to live for themselves, they need all the ups and downs, they need to make their own decisions and to live with them, they need to fight their way to the top or decide when it’s time to move on.
2 - Sometimes our kids need a cheerleader from the side to help them to see how GREAT they really are. Be that!
3- Let your passion for an activity in your past come out, but you live it. Don’t assume your child has the same passion or to the same level. But let it speak to your soul and get you up off the chair and find a way to bring that passion back into your life. Pick up basketball, journal writing, learn something new, turn on the music really loud, and let it flow through you.
When our kids see us doing something that brings us true joy - that is not connected directly to their activities - we are teaching them some real lessons. And guess what - you are reminding yourself that you are a person outside your child.
You got this!!!
