10 minutes
You may have heard this story before. About my sweet sweet kindergarten student - we’ll call him Trevor.
Trevor was tall for his age, had big brown eyes, and had deep and absolute love for his mom. Everything he did during his time at school he did to show to his mom. Happy and content at school but after school things would change.
Trevor’s mom would walk to school to drop him off and pick him up. When dropping him off he would hug and kiss her, tell her that he’d miss her and walk into the building. BUT after school when this momma came to pick up Trevor he would turn into a little monster. He would come out of school, climb her, hit her, and kick her. She was mortified knowing that judgmental eyes were watching. It was breaking her heart and she was beginning to resent picking him up from school.
She finally came to me because she thought maybe something terrible was happening to him while at school. I assured her that all was well with his day and that every day he looked forward to seeing her. I asked her permission to simply observe for a few days at pick up.
Here is what I saw. Trevor ran to his momma with his arms open for a big hug. Momma was busy on her phone. When Trevor didn’t get it, he climbed up her legs and truly did start to hit, kick and even punch her. Momma was still on her phone. It was so hard to watch. This single momma, working to make ends meet, would use this pick up time to get caught up on her day - no shame - just not working for Trevor.
I made the suggestion that she get off her phone when the kids were released. I wanted her to make eye contact with Trevor as soon as he left the building. I wanted her to crouch down with open arms and a smile. Then I asked her to keep her phone in her pocket while they walked home and listen to Trevor tell her about his day.
It wasn’t hard. The change happened in that very instant. Trevor didn’t need to act out in order to get his mom’s attention. It really was that simple.
So what is 10 minutes? I’d like for every parent to gift their child just 10 minutes…even 5 if that is all you have. Just focus on your child. Don’t make dinner, check email, go through the mail. Just focus on your child.
Sit knee to knee if possible and ask about their day. Here’s the hard part - you are only going to listen. Give listening cues and feedback but don’t interrupt. Don’t parent right now. Just give them this time. It’s not much out of your day. Let them talk about anything they want. If you hear something you want to advise on or teach about, save that for later. These 10 minutes will build a trust that will go on through adulthood. If your child knows they can talk to you with your full focus and that you’ll simply listen….it brings tears to my eyes thinking of what this will do for your relationship.
This can be started at any age. Got teenagers at home? Just tell them that maybe you haven’t always been the best listener and you want to change that. Maybe you don’t sit knee-to-knee. Just make them a cup of tea and sit across from each other. You’ll likely have to ask them questions to start the practice. But it will be a game changer. Our older kids are always worried that if they talk to us, we are going to respond with criticism, advice, parenting, a story of our childhood ... save all that. Tell them you are just listening. As your teenager comes to talk with you - you can literally ask them if this is a time for you to just listen or do they want advice. More often than not they just want to be heard. Honestly, we all want that.
The little Trevors in our world just want our attention, they will seek it and if you don’t give it…they will take it with poor behavior or stop seeking it from you altogether which may be even worse.
It’s just 10 minutes.
You got this!!!
PS if your little one (or big one) can’t sit still at the end of their day to do this practice with you then make it active. Go for a walk, shoot some hoops, play with clay or even draw. That’s ok too.
