Don’t downplay the trauma.
In the classroom, we used the terms big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ to help us understand the trauma a child may be dealing with. (Lots of places use these same designations—don’t worry, this isn’t secret lingo.)
Big ‘T’ trauma is the big stuff—death of a close loved one, abuse of all kinds, neglect, etc. Big ‘T’ traumas stay with us, and often we need a little help if they start to get in the way of living our lives. Little ‘t’ trauma is used for the smaller stuff that is still traumatic: loss of a pet, 😥amicable divorce, painful injury, 🤕car accident, fight with a friend, 🤕seeing someone get hurt, etc.
I’m not a licensed anything but a classroom teacher, so I don’t want to dig into the big ‘T’ stuff. Not my area of expertise. My advice on that: seek support. Maybe you have areas of trauma that haunt you—seek support. If your child has had the unfortunate experience of a terrible trauma, please seek support.
Little traumas happen all the time to us as adults and kids. 🙁Many of them we don’t notice or even think about again—because we have the ability to move on. BUT some of us get stuck with those little annoying traumas—things that stick in our mind or heart and hurt. It’s like a sliver just waiting for us to bump it. We remember everything. We can recall every detail. We know deep down that it wasn’t a big ‘T’ trauma…but it affects us in many of the same ways.
When this trauma occurred, if you had someone with you to guide you through that pain and big emotion, it could change how you interact with that memory. 💗If you had a supportive parent or teacher who had taken a few moments out of their day to guide you, it wouldn’t even take space in your memories anymore. Guess what? You can help your child in this way too. (If you have a super sensitive child, you may need to do this a lot, but it will be worth it.)
When your child comes to you with a story of their day that is super emotional to them, listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. Don’t brush it off or tell them to “get over it.” By ignoring their pain, you may inadvertently make them ashamed of the emotion—and that emotional release was the path to letting go of the trauma. By not listening to their story, you may inadvertently be telling them to keep these things to themselves. That’s heartbreaking. 💔
When your child comes to you with hurt (emotional or physical):
Listen to them.
Use confirmative words: “That must be hard,” “I’m so sorry you feel this way,” “How do you wish it had gone?”
Tell them, “I’m here,” and look them in the eye.
By letting them talk through these little traumas with you and allowing them to “move” through them in a safe way, they likely are no longer going to be a trauma at all. ✨
I do want to clarify that I’m not supporting you playing into these little traumas or making them a bigger deal than they are. I’m also not advocating for you to “fix” the issue. ✨Quite the opposite—I’m simply saying that your child just needs to be heard in order for this to become a “no big deal” situation.
Maybe you are someone carrying around a bunch of little hurts, a bunch of painful memories that no one helped you with, and so it’s super hard to have a calm presence when your child needs your support because it triggers a bunch of painful hurts for you. Maybe you find yourself “one-upping” your child’s pain by telling your stories instead. “Oh yeah, you think that’s bad? Listen to my story.”
This way of parenting helps NO ONE. All it’s doing is perpetuating your pain and likely causing your child to continue a line of familial trauma.
But guess what? You can pretty easily heal some of those hurts and support yourself. When something bubbles up from your past, place your hand on your heart, picture little you in your mind, and use your childhood nickname. In my case, it was Jenny. I would say, “Jenny, I’m so sorry this situation made you feel this way. But you know what? I got you. I’m here for you.” Visualize your little self sitting on your lap, getting all the comfort little you needed at that moment. You can do that for yourself, and when you do, you’re going to help your children too. 🤯
When we are children, if there’s no one to guide us through these little hurts, then they can fester. They can come up at very inconvenient times, like when our children trigger us. The cool thing is, if you share your story with your child and tell them how you wish it had gone or how you wish you’d been heard and helped, you can heal both of you.
You can teach your child how to support themselves by allowing them to FEEL the emotions. Think of the emotion as a tunnel. Yeah, it can be a little dark when you first enter, but keep going through because very soon your eyes will adjust, and before you know it, you’ll see a little pinprick of light—the light at the end of the tunnel. There’s really no way around this tunnel without causing longer-lasting pain. The more you support your child through these emotional tunnels, the easier it will be. AND if something comes up that is a bigger tunnel, they will know there is an end—just keep going. 💪
Our goal is to take all these little daily traumas and clear them. Maybe even grow from them. But make space for new experiences and joy—let go of the painful past.
You got this!!! 🫶
(The information contained in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your and/or your child's qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding your child's medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this post.
This author does not recommend or endorse any specific medical professionals, treatments, procedures, or medications. If you have concerns about your child's mental health, please consult with a licensed therapist, psychiatrist, or other qualified mental health professional.)
