Help, my child is inconsolable.
Oh - this hurts my heart - but there are times we are going to feel like we are unable to comfort our little ones. They can be screaming and crying and they don’t want a hug, don’t want you to leave them, don’t want you to talk, don’t want it to be silent, don’t want to sit with you but don’t want to go to their room.
They don’t know what they want. Their whole system is on overload. They want it all and don't want anything. They want it warmer, colder, quieter and louder all at the same time.
As a parent this is both frustrating and scary. It's so hard to not be able to help your child. My kiddo would lose his mind like this, tear up some of his things in his room, and then be broken hearted that he did that so then he’d cry harder. 💔
Our kids' regulation can sometimes get super out of whack and if we aren’t careful…we can be the cause. 🥺
“Wait, what? I didn't do that. We were just having a great day. We’d been to a birthday party with all her friends, she ate cake, we then walked through the super crowded farmers market picking out things for dinner, she even got to choose. We stopped by the park for a bit. I was just making dinner, it’s a little late because of our day and all of a sudden while choosing a movie to watch during dinner she lost it. How is any of that my fault? It was a great day.” 🫠
And now your sweet babe is laying on the floor in tears. They have no idea which way is up or down and you are losing your mind. 🤯
Our children's little regulating system can be set off so easily, especially in certain phases of their development. Loosely you can think of your child's phases as 6 months of dysregulation and 6 months of easier regulation. (I don’t want to simply say regulated here - because they are always growing and learning and sometimes it is just hard to be a kid.)
So these 6 month cycles (give or take a few months) can play a huge part in how easy to regulate a child is. 2 months ago - that day would have been great for your kiddo - they might be a little cranky and tired, but not inconsolable.😩
If we look at the above scenario - from the outside it’s easy to see the triggers, Too much sugar, too much stimulation, being overtired and now being asked to make a decision. There are times your child may be able to handle this day and there are times that this is all too much for your child. You didn’t do anything wrong. This sounds like the perfect day for a kiddo - but there are times that they are simply always on the verge of being dysregulated.
“OK, great. So what do we do?”
In the moment here are some steps you can take:
Do your best to stay calm. Use some soothing breathing techniques to keep yourself regulated.
Turn off all the extra sounds. Turn off the TV. Have others leave the room. You can put on soothing nature sounds if something like that helps.
Ask if you can hold them or hug them. Oftentimes when our kids are feeling this out of control they need some actual weight on them to feel a little more grounded.
Running water can be very soothing. Ask if they’d like to take a bath or help you in the kitchen by washing some dishes. (AKA playing in the water)
If they’ve calmed a bit you can give them something to drink or eat. Chewing and swallowing can help calm the nervous system Of course if they are still crying you don’t want them to choke.
Ask them to hum with you. It doesn’t have to be a song, just the act of humming is a great calming technique.
If all of these steps have been taken and your child is still in the depths of a hysterical fit, you may need to wait this out. Eventually your child will likely fall asleep or into a calmer state by pure exhaustion. Now your sweet babe just needs a calm, mellow night and so you do you, momma. 🥺
After the storm has passed, take a minute to reflect on all the moments leading up to this giant reaction. Not just right before - but the whole day. When my kids were little I kept that reflection to what had just happened - as if that was the only trigger. BUT I now know it’s all the triggers from the day, possible even the day before and where they are in the regulation cycle. It’s a lot.
BUT you can help yourself and your child. 💪Pay attention to those 6 month cycles and use them to your advantage. Is your child super easy going and flexible - then you know you can push them a little for the next few months. They will likely be fine and honestly we are always trying to help our children grow so use this time.
However, if you find all of a sudden they can’t seem to handle the crowded Farmers Market or lose it just after a birthday party. You might be in the dysregulation cycle and your next few months may need to be a little more mellow. Use the time to read more books, get in extra snuggles and practice some breathing techniques together. 💗
Raising this little human is tough - as soon as you get something figured out - they change. It’s exhausting. But you know your child, just observe and be proactive. Say no to a birthday party when you know it's going to cause the rest of the day to be ruined. Don’t let them do a sleepover the night before a big family gathering. You are your child's best advocate. 👊
You got this!!! 🫶
PS If your child is having these HUGE reactions often you might need to dig a little deeper. Are they having a reaction to a certain food they are eating (dairy or gluten can have some pretty damaging effects if they have intolerance to either), are they not sleeping well even if they are in bed for the suggested hours for their age. It could be time for a talk with your pediatrician or naturopath.
