So your kid is a little obstinate
What the heck do you do if your kid says “no” to you? What do you do if your kid just won’t do what you asked? What do you do if they do the complete opposite thing of what they KNOW they should do?
Oh, the joys.
All kids should push back a little. They are testing the boundaries. And honestly - kudos to you. As long as you nurture this, your child will grow up and not get pushed around.
So how do you help them use this for good rather than to get under your skin, trigger every single trigger you have, and the only color you see is red?
I’ve got you!
This kiddo, your kiddo who pushes the boundaries and crosses right over them while smiling right at you, is working to gain a little power. Think about the absolute power they hold by simply doing the thing you don’t want them to do - you completely blow your top. Wow, such a little thing that they did made you lose your mind.
All they said was “no” and your face turned red, your voice raised in volume, and you ranted and went on and on. You….the adult…and they…just the child held that power in their little hand. Wow! Maybe the first few times they do it, your reaction scares them a little. But not enough not to try it again.
We’ve got a few different situations that could be occurring either alone or together.
Your child is an obstinate one with a little fire in their belly. You give them so much attention when they misbehave in this way, it speaks directly to their inner rebel like a drug.
Your kiddo lacks attention from you and this is one way they can get it.
Your sweet child is feeling very disempowered and is grasping for ways to feel in control.
Let’s dig in. And Momma, I’m sorry if you’ve got all three of these going on, but we can take some steps to soothe this pain a little.
Our children are constantly being told what to do. They are constantly being taught and parented. If they have older siblings this goes even further. We need to find ways to give them a little autonomy over their own life.
Give them choices as often as possible. If your child struggles with making choices - only give them 2 options.
Shall we eat tacos or burritos for dinner?
Do you want to do spelling or math homework first?
Which game should the family play tonight?
Don’t place hollow threats on their obstinate behavior - this can fuel the fire. Instead, try a little distraction.
Instead of saying, “You are going to miss your cousin's birthday if you do that.” or “If you do that one more time I’m taking your toys away.”
Try saying, “It seems like you must be having a hard time. Let’s get a snack. Do you want carrots and hummus or a granola bar?”
Or
“Oh hey, tomorrow is your cousin's birthday party. What part are you looking forward to? I can’t wait to watch them open the gift we got.”
Start to lay on compliments for the behavior you like to see. If they only get a reaction out of you when they are being a little naughty then…you can’t blame them for trying.
So great, you’ve shifted their immediate behavior but how do you continue this?
Give them a chunk of time. Just 10 minutes of focused attention will often turn around that challenging behavior. You can set aside time with no distractions and just let them talk. (Read more about that here.)
Give them opportunities to be in charge of themselves. Start a morning routine with a checklist and let them “handle” their morning without you nagging them. (But make sure to acknowledge them handling their morning.) I’ve got some steps for you here.
Pay attention to where your attention goes. Are you at the park talking to moms and ignoring your kiddo…right up until they decide to do something naughty? Are you fully engaged in scrolling your social media until you hear your youngest crying and the obstinate one walks out with a naughty grin on their face?
Guide their curiosity. Your child in their obstinate selves has some superpowers. Don’t diminish it, help them use it.
Guide them to ask questions, and dig deeper.
Encourage them to make connections and really talk to people. They are masters of reading the room - look what they do to you.
Ask them for advice. I’m sure they will share it.
All of these things will give them some power so they don’t have to lord it over you.
Remember, when your little cherub is pushing the boundaries, they are likely looking for attention. They are not doing this to spite you. Wait, in a way they are doing it to spite you but not in the way you might think. They are really trying to gain a little power and attention from you.
But with a little finesse, you can ease this troubling behavior and make it work for you and your child rather than against you.
You got this!!! 🫶
