Wisdom from a parent-teacher conference
At a parent-teacher conference, I had a parent tell me that she felt I didn’t “see” her child. I can recall this moment very clearly. I recall what this mom was wearing and the look on her face as tears began falling.
I was teaching at an affluent school. We had many doctors, lawyers, business owners, etc. There weren’t a ton but I can recall almost every “confrontation” I had because well first of all because I cared deeply and secondly the parents scared the crap out of me. Yes, I had my master's degree and had been teaching for years. I knew my stuff, but I melted very quickly in front of these parents.
Let me dig a little deeper with this specific situation. This sweet little second grader, super high academically, would do cartwheels in the classroom whenever she came up to the carpet area. She was crazy for cartwheeling. BUT you can imagine how it might feel if you were already sitting at the carpet chatting with a friend when all of a sudden you took a Nike punch to the head.
I couldn’t get her to stop, she’d forget. It was as if she was on autopilot. She wasn’t doing it to hurt anyone - she just needed to move her body. We were in the middle of trying different things to change this brain-body routine that she continued to play out when conferences arrived. So, yeah, I brought it up.
This momma felt like my focus was only on her daughter's cartwheel habit. I believe she had an assumption of how the conference was going to go and didn’t get that. This little girl's academics were amazing - there was nothing I could complain about.
What this momma didn’t know is what those words did to me. I questioned my teaching skills, my ability to handle a classroom. I replayed all the confrontations I had with parents in the past. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this job. This job of nurturing our future.
What I realized though, is that this momma wanted her daughter to stand out in a classroom of 27. This momma wanted her daughter to be special. This momma wanted me to shower them with accolades and superlatives. What I did instead was tell her how she was doing academically and shared with her our current challenge. I saw her daughter, just not in the way this momma wanted.
The wisdom I gained from this momma coming in is that we all want recognition. We all want to stand out in some way - but we REALLY REALLY want that for our kids. We want our kids to be recognized for all the things we see at home. But we don’t get to control who our kids are when they leave our home.
Our kids go to school, camp, dance lessons, or to a friends house and they get to be themselves. Yes, they can get over shadowed by other’s big personalities. They may not be the shining star. They may end up being meek and quiet. NOT the kiddo they are at home.
My daughter was very quiet and going to conferences blew me away because she was fairly outspoken in the classroom, I had always assumed that would be our challenge. But at home, she had some big and loud personalities that did a lot of the talking for her. (Present company included.)
If I could do that conference again, with about 15 more years of wisdom, I’d let that momma know that I see her daughter. She shares with me what she wants to share. Remember that there are 26 other amazing and special kids in the classroom. If SHE wants to stand out then she will. If you want to encourage that, then please do. AND by the way, her cartwheels may have been her way to stand out.
The “lesson” I’d like to pass on is to encourage your kids to find their thing and to work to stand out, but only if they want to. Standing out may not be their style - they might prefer being in the background. Playing a supportive role may be their jam. The super cool and scary thing about sending them out into the big world is that we get to allow them to become themselves without our support. They can do it - you’ve taught them well.
Yeah, it’s scary. BUT I’m going to guess that little girl doesn’t even recall me and she’s now she’s an adult. I was a blip in her life story. I wonder how she’s doing? (How awesome would it be if she got really into gymnastics!) Sadly, I think the mom pulled her from public school so I lost track of her. The question will always be - was this the little girl’s issue of feeling unseen and unhappy at school or was the issue her mom’s?
Don’t allow how you THINK your child should be seen by others to cloud how your child wants to present themselves to the world. Encourage them to be exactly who they want to be.
PS I did change how I ran my conferences after that - making sure that parents understood that I SAW their kids because relationships were what I built my classroom on.
