You can’t do it for them
I really want to set this up for you.
Imagine this, your child calls to you. They’ve just had a sleepover, their space is a mess and they just can’t deal with it and need your help. You walk into their room to a tear-stained face and help them out. You remind them that last week you helped with this as well. You reteach them how to fold clothes and put things away properly.
They tell you they have a project due that they haven’t even worked on. You spend some time talking about the project and make a plan to get it done.
They tell you they got in a fight with their best friend and they are no longer friends and now they have no friends. Your heart breaks for them because you know they are perfect in every way and everyone should love your baby.
They tell you they are starving so you look in the snack drawer that you just filled up two days ago and see that it’s already empty. Of course, you’ll run to the store but first, you whip up a yummy lunch just like you always do.
They tell you they just want to quit everything. But you remind them how much fun they have doing all the activities you’ve already paid for.
Does this sound like your kiddo? Maybe a 6-year-old, 16-year-old…sure. BUT what if it’s a 26-year-old or even a 36 or 46-year-old? Imagine if this is your adult child. Unable to care for themselves in such basic ways. Life throws some curveballs at them and they can’t handle it.
We are going to be there for our kids whenever and wherever, but they need to learn to handle some hard stuff. I want to hear from my kids if they are struggling, just need a hug, or simply want someone to go grab lunch with. BUT if I’ve done my job correctly I shouldn’t get a weekly call needing help - instead maybe they just want to talk or go over some ideas or invite me over for dinner.
There is a point that we will no longer be around Or maybe you finally took that month-long trip to Europe and your kiddo needs to be able to survive without you. Your 6 and 16-year-olds need to start doing age-appropriate tasks on their own so that they learn and more importantly so that they KNOW they can do it. That way your 26,36 and 46-year-old can be their own person - not just your child.
How do you start that now?
Start by giving them choices (red or blue, salad or tacos)
Teach them and then let them do it. (Show them to fold laundry and then let them do it, teach them to make their lunch, and then let them do it.)
When they come to you with an issue be there for them but maybe you don’t fix it for them instead ask how they plan to fix it.
See your child. Sometimes our children are not the cherubs we think. Sometimes things are your child’s fault. Sometimes your child is the one who was hitting. Sometimes your child did cheat on a spelling test. Let them see your disappointment. Of course, also let them see your forgiveness.
Give consequences and also let them deal with natural consequences. If your child grows up not seeing what the potential consequences are we’ve failed at our job. Let them see that when you play too hard with a toy and it breaks you aren’t running right out to buy another one. When they don’t listen in class they may miss recess. When they hit someone they might get hit back or have to apologize.
KNOW this - almost all kids will lie or cheat at some point. They are testing. Let them test - and learn the consequences don’t ignore it.
We want our children at any age to continue to reach out to us - especially when they are having a rough time. We don’t want them to go through hard stuff alone. BUT if we don’t allow them to actually grow up and deal with some of their own shit, they will likely resent us when life actually gets hard. Worse - they just may not be able to handle when life gets hard.
So when life hands your sweet 6-year-old a lemon. Don’t run up with the sugar, let them taste how sour the lemon is or they will never know.
In order for our children to feel the full gamut of JOY they must also experience the opposite, which is unfortunately pain. And when our kids feel pain we feel pain. But remember, "They say there is no light without dark, no good without evil, no male without female, no right without wrong. That nothing can exist if its direct opposite does not also exist.“ - Laurell K. Hamilton
You got this Momma!
